Lately I have felt angry. Just frustrated and I honestly can’t even tell you what specifically I am angry about. But I still have this pit in my stomach that won’t go away. My fuse is short and any small instance that doesn’t happen the way I think it should I just want to burst.
If my son throws one more fit
If the dog drips water on the floor ONE more time after I just cleaned
If my husband comes home late
If I get one more medical bill in the mail
If I see one more post
If I hear one more person say
If I could just do this
If I could just be this way
It eats at you. It lies to you. It tells you things that aren’t true. It changes you. It hurts others. It hurts YOU.
Life throws curveballs and I’ve had a few. Some things I cant grasp and don’t understand. Some things I wish I could change and I can’t.
In my head I list all the things that are just eating at me and I can feel myself gritting my teeth at the thought of it all.
They aren’t life threatening or life altering. But in my mind I’ve created them to be bigger than what they are (because sometimes they feel like a “big deal” to me).
Then I saw this quote off of a friend’s page:
“The more your world is about YOU, the more ANGRY and tired you’ll be. The more it’s not about you, the more free you’ll be” (Matt Chandler)
Looking back at what I wrote above the one word I see over and over is “I”.
Its all about me and sometimes its hard not to look at the hardships of life, the arguments with my husband, the fits my child throws, the posts on social media, as personal attacks against ME.
But then I read that quote above and I think isn’t it so freeing to know that it truly isn’t all about ME. Something about that just helps me breathe a little easier.
Simply accepting where I am now in my life, looking at all the blessings God has given me that I don’t deserve, acknowledging the simple things in life that I take for granted on a daily basis, simply opening my eyes to the world around me rather than getting stuck on the person that I critique in the mirror every day, changes EVERYTHING.
*Sidenote: If you follow me on Instagram, I apologize for making it all about me lately. Although that is a part of the “blogging world” that I have entered into, I don’t want to ever come across as self absorbed or making you feel like you aren’t enough if you cant buy a $60 dollar dress.
Some of you have bigger problems than what outfit you need to wear on your next date night.
All this to say, you are not alone in whatever you are struggling with and I am sorry if I have ever been the one to make you feel that way.
Learning that when my eyes are focused on others, it’s a lot harder to keep them on myself.
“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love”
With love, B