The Number

“Just run, run, run!”

 Those were the words the agent told me at a modeling agency I went to when I was in 7th grade. I was already a size 4 and that was “too big” if I wanted to make it in the modeling world. Which at the time, it was too big, but that was the beginning of my obsession with my appearance and the number on the scale.

I began to associate everything with weight. If I was thinner that boy would like me or I would have gotten that modeling job. And over the years that little thought turned into an obsession.

My freshman year in high school, I played volleyball and basketball and considered that my “work out” and didn’t think too much about what I was eating, but that all changed sophomore year.

I had it in my head that I was overweight. I started weighing myself everyday and because I was uneducated about nutrition and exercise I started to make myself throw up. It only lasted for a short period of time, I didn’t do it for multiple years, but it actually had the opposite effect. I gained more weight because I was still eating a lot.

Junior year I was supposed to be in a pageant and I started researching “quick and easy” weight loss tips and “model diet”. Of course it suggested eating between 1000-1200 calories a day and do cardio, cardio, cardio! So what did I do? Exactly that.

IT worked! I lost about 25lbs in about 2 months because I was essentially starving myself. I even kept a food journal and started counting my calories like a crazy person.

Unfortunately, after the pageant I started eating normally again and I gained back all the weight I had lost and picked up a few more “LB’s”.

AND thus began my roller coaster with my weight, supplements, detoxes, quick fixes, and weight loss programs.

From freshmen year in college to right before I got pregnant, I was really struggling with self-image and self worth. I let the number on the scale and my pant size define ME. I associated it with every relationship I was in and that was always my main concern. Whenever I got a boyfriend or was talking with someone, I would eat less and less and try to lose weight. Whenever another girl would walk in the room I would immediately compare her thighs to my thighs (bigger, smaller, what size she probably wears, etc.). Almost every morning I would wake up and assess myself and step on the scale. If I was lighter I would be happy and if I was heavier I would be sad and feel guilty for everything I ate that day.

MY LIFE REVOLVED AROUND MY WEIGHT AND PANT SIZE.

It wasn’t until after I had my son that I started to realize the importance of a healthy lifestyle and not just doing whatever crash diet was out there or detox to lose 10lbs in three days. I realized that my weight and pant size doesn’t define me and IF I am living a healthy lifestyle the scale shouldn’t matter.

I weighed 166lbs the summer of 2016 (the most I had ever weighed) and lost 10lbs before my brother’s wedding and then found out I was pregnant 6 weeks later. So I was going into pregnancy at 155 and I gained 28lbs during my pregnancy. It was a battle every day to not let the number on the scale define me after my son was born (especially since I was DATING someone at the time).

I didn’t lose the weight doing crash diets, or detoxes. IT took time. Which I hate!! (I always want results NOW). It took everything in me not to go back to cutting calories and doing cardio for hours. Its hard finding time with a kid and eating healthy when you feel you don’t have time to cook a good meal. Its hard when your son is up every 2-3 hours and you are tired and just want to sleep rather than do an “at home” workout video. It’s hard when you feel like you don’t see the results that you want to see in the time you want to see it.

Its hard, but so worth it. Living a healthy lifestyle helps me mentally and it has become a release for me.

I workout and eat healthy (overall, your girl still needs Dunkin’ Donuts and coffee every now and then) so I can be the best version of ME. It’s hard not to compare and it’s still a struggle every day. I find solace in knowing that God made me fearfully and wonderfully and ALL His works are perfect. In honoring my body, I am honoring Him.

So when you are scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, just remember:

Everyone is different; every BODY is different.

Be the best YOU, you can be!

With love,

B

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