Do any of you have the old home videos? The ones that are on a black tape that you stick into another tape that you put into the VCR? Well we do and one of my favorite things to do is to watch home videos.
Honestly, sometimes I get emotional watching them. I see this little girl, not scarred by anything, didn’t care what everyone else thought, never cheated on, never broken.
That was the girl I used to be.
And sometimes I wonder, when did that change?
Obviously we become who we are not because of one moment (usually), it’s a bunch of little moments and decisions that, over time, shape and mold us.
It’s the girl that calls you a “hairy monster” for having dark leg hair in 4th grade. Its your first crush who doesn’t feel the same way. Its raising your hand in math class and then getting laughed at for what seemed to be a “stupid question”. It’s the birthday party that turns into girls pushing you down and taking your clothes off. Its your first boyfriend skipping the “first kiss” and instead reaching up your skirt and then breaking up with you because you said, “no”. Its being told you’re fat, so you start throwing up.
Its someone you love choosing someone else. It’s a night you’ll never forget but a night you’ll always regret. Its finding bobby pins that aren’t yours in a bed that you shouldn’t be in. Its being lied to over and over by people you love.
Its taking a pregnancy test.
It’s making a decision that will change your life forever.
In all the little moments throughout your life you always have a choice.
The little girl who used to not care what others thought, started caring too much. I allowed what others said, what others thought, ALL those little moments, I let them define who I was and how I saw myself. I had a choice and the majority of the time I chose wrong.
But I did make one choice. One choice I will never regret. One choice that WOULD define the rest of my life.
One choice to either keep a “clump of cells” or get rid of it.
That one choice made me a mom. It made me the little girl I used to be in those home videos. The girl who didn’t care what others thought, even though some thought the worst. The girl who didn’t care what others said, when trust me, they said a lot. The girl who everyone thought must be broken, actually became whole.
We all have a choice.
But it was not my choice to make. My son, a clump of cells, was a gift from God and he was chosen for ME. He was given to me. God knew how much I needed him, not how much he needed me.
We all have a choice, but my son was not one.